I know pain. I know it because I have seen it, suffered it, lived it. I know how you shake so hard while crying you can barely breathe. I know how you feel nothing, numb, frozen, void of any emotions. I know how you gave him one chance after another, just because you loved him like you will never love again. I know how he thought he could leave and come back and leave again as he finds convenient and you allow that because you know you still love him and you miss being who you were while you had him by your side. I know how you are constantly reminded of the little things he did and now anyone else can do those, but not make you as happy as he did. I know how he is the least perfect person in the room but how he makes your life perfect.
Now you Know this; it’s ok to hurt and its ok to feel like a plaything at his hands. Its ok to allow yourself to hurt. Its ok to look back at the memories until you feel no pain looking at your photographs taken long ago. Its ok to release all these emotions and live. Just live. Survive. At the other end of it all, you will come out several steps ahead of him. Trust me on this. One day he is going to stand there, stare at you and regret what a gem he lost. Do not suppress the hurt or anger. Release it. Let it go. Let it all go. See what stays. You have one life and its too short to live it holding your emotions in and punishing yourself. Even though right now you believe nothing is ever going to be alright, but it will. You will be fine. You will be finer. Be kind. More to yourself. Do more of what makes you happy. Nothing heals a broken heart like being kind to others, and specifically those who can do nothing for you in return. Be good. Do good. Have faith. You’re stronger than you think. You are a miracle.
Much love and light