Marriage proposals (rishtas) & rejection! Ouch!

What inspired me to write this blogpost was this tweet from a friend of mine:

Rishta rejection is more painful than a job rejection?

From there the conversation went on to how it hurts the one who is rejected and how its so unfair. From my personal experience, which means 20 rishtas that my family rejected, 6-7 which her highness herself rejected, and about 4-5 by whom I was rejected, I believe I’m fairly capable of making the following statement which I make very often these days when my friends discuss their rishta issues:

You should not worry about why they rejected you. You should worry why you are so worried about them rejecting you.

I will direct this straight to men because I believe men always take proposal rejection more personal than women, which reminds me of this guy from Pakistan Navy, engineering wing, who actually began to threaten me when I rejected his proposal, only to find out, I was way too ahead of him at his own game, and this banker who would not return my debit card stuck in their ATM machine because thanks to my unique name and my dad’s name on the ID card, he figured his proposal was rejected by my family and i was the same girl (Yeah i do have some exciting stories to share) but any way, here is what you people need to know.

Its NOT YOU. Its NOT YOUR FAMILY. Its not him/her or his/her family. It not as straightforward as that. Its more complicated. When two completely strange families meet, they have no idea how nice, kind, awesome, great you are. They do not see you as you see yourself or your friends see you. You might be a great guy, a very obedient son, a very helpful friend, but they do not know that. There is no way on earth they can establish that after meeting you once or twice. There are far more factors involved in an arranged marriage than people blinded by wounded ego can fathom. It can be something they saw, something they felt, sometimes parents reject proposals based on hunches  (specially if she is an only daughter, duh! trust me on this one) and sometimes its something that comes out after a little digging about you and your friends. But its not always what you think it was. Your height, weight, face, complexion, or least of them all, your financial status.

This paragraph is directed at both men and women who were at one point rejected by a particular rishta they believe was a done deal. Yes, we all have been there. You meet them. They suit you perfect. Their family likes you. They meet you again. You start imagining a life together, you even select the color for the bridal dress & then, there is a complete radio silence from the other party. It happens. It does feel bad, but it should not leave you bitter. Nothing should. For a good part of last year, every night before sleeping I kept wondering about all the great guys I had met in my early twenties and how I rejected each one of them without any proper reason at all, yes you may call me commitment phobic, but now I have come to believe that what’s not meant to be will never be. Reason, or no reasons. Explanations or no explanations given. There is NO WAY to decide how far the destiny played its role and how much of your own stupidity counted, but the point is there is NO WAY to know. There is no set ratio, so let go. Do not bother your head over this. You liked them, they did not like you or something about you, or your father, or your uncle, or your neighbour, or your cat, and it’s perfectly OK.

I will end this on one note, we all eventually end up with the spouses we deserve. Sooner or later, we all do. with exactly what we deserve. Do not be the person you do not want to marry. It is as simple as that.

x ZB

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